"Chief Coffey, I thought you said you are proficient?"
"I am Sir, The ocean isn't"

- ETC Jesse Cook (added 6/2009)

A conversation in the control room of USS Stonewall Jackson between the CO Cdr Averil and XO Ldcr Adams while waiting to start a war game with a US Navy SAG some time around 1990.

CO: " DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! Down scope!
XO: "Whats wrong Captain?"
CO: "We're at optimum fire position and I can't fire for five minutes."
XO: "Quarter Master the control clock is five minutes slow reset the clock."
CO: "Up periscope. Firing point procedures master 1 final bearing and shoot."

- MMCS/SS Cresho USN Ret (added 6/2009)

On my first patrol aboard USS Michigan, we had an air rupture in control from the chicken switches for the EMBT blow system. The crew took all appropriate actions and A-gang started preparing all required paperwork. Once the paperwork was ready the DCA took it to control hurriedly to get approval from the commanding officer to perform work. He arrived at the conn and stated, "Sir I am here for the Emergency Blow Job!" Needless to say he didn't live that one down until his departure from the ship.

- ETC(SS) Mark E. Schneider (added 6/2007)

In the 70's on the newly commissioned Sand Lance SSN660, we got orders to spend the weekend anchored in the Chesapeake Bay so the Academy Midshipmen could be brought out to see what a Fast Attack was like. It was a rough cold spring day and there were so many middies around that we sure got bored with em, and set up a little fun in the engine room. The middies had to do homework, tracing piping around the boat, and learning the engine room piping takes awhile.

In the lower level mechanical room, on watch at the feed station, we had loosened the bolts on a dead end feedwater piping run. As the Midshipmen came down the ladder into our small cramped mechanical space, armed with their piping books, they asked for permission to trace piping. We said ok but warned them "not to touch anything!". As they were forward and trying to figure out the mess of piping (usually in groups of 3 or 4) and were busy in the corner, we cracked a valve at the aft station, pressuring the line and spraying feed water out, all around them. We would then run up to them and yell, "WE TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH ANYTHING". To which they would plead innocence and leave in a confused mental state.

- TJ Alexander (added 4/2005)

When I was making FBM patrols out of Rota Spain in the mid 1970's our home port was Groton. Over in New London was a Dept store called "Two Guy's". One guy recieved a Family Gram from his wife stating, "Honey got new part time job Two Guys three nights a week". The guy was in shock for a few minutes till he figured out what the Family Gram really said.

- John Daum MTC Thomas Edison SSBN 610(B), and George Washington Carver SSBN 656(G)

While assigned to the submarine school in Groton, Connecticutt as a submarine tactics training instructor during the early 1990s, I had the privilege of training a crew of French officers as part of a NATO training agreement. Since the French were unfamiliar with the equipment, the attack center and sonar trainer were manned by american submariners from "down off the river".

After the standard briefing prior to the problem, I started the excercise. Within a few minutes, the French officers had the solution nailed. I was so impressed at how fast they got the answer, I stopped the problem and asked them how they did that. They said, "We cannot tell you that." I was stunned. I asked them why not. The still refused to tell me. So I told them I can play that game.

I went into the sonar trainer in the room next door and told the sonar operators the solution to the next problem. I said as soon as you hear my voice say the problem is in run, pass out this solution. The crew did exactly as they were told. Of course, the French did not believe the solution and continued on. They soon came up with the exact same solution. They demanded to know how they did that. I told them, "I can not tell you that."

- Brian Stucker

Here's a storythat happened before I got to the boat, but was related to me by some of my shipmates on the USS Pintado (SSN-672).

The boat was pulling to Pearl for the very first time after overhaul as part of it's change of home-port. As the ship was getting ready to make the turn past Ford Island and head into the piers, the following 1MC's were heard:

Fathometer watch: "Red Sounding!"
1MC: "Red Sounding!"
> OOD on 7MC to control: "All back Full!"
> 1MC: "Corpsman lay to control"

The Navigator had been so stressed out over the initial entry into Pearl that when the Red Sounding got called, he just passed out over the chart table.

- ET1/SS(nuc) Scott Fackler

During some maintenance on one of the major breakers that was acting up, LCPO EMC Jerry Herman and EM2 Josh Owens were trying to rack it out. Owens was in the back of the switchboards cranking it out and EMC was in the front looking under the breaker watching the rackout mechanism.

Owens: It's getting hard to turn, is it broke?
EMC: Nawww put some muscle behind it, it's fine
Owens: Are you sure?
EMC: (humorously) Are you questioning your chief's judgement?
Owens: Nope, anything you say chief.

Just then the entire breaker fell about 4 inches and tilted about 25 degrees

EMC: (not moving from his origional position) I think it's broke...

- EM2/SS Kyle Mayket, USS Charlotte SSN766 00-02

During ORSE work up, the commodore of SUBSQD 1 was riding us. After a very full day of drilling and spilling we were finally done. Our Capt. CDR Thomas Bailey decided to run one more scram drill to try to impress the commodore. When asked why, he replied, "Don't worry sir, it'll just be a quick down and up".

Further from the truth he could not be, on the recovery, one of the scram breakers broke and wouldn't shut... after 14 hours of bobbing on the surface snorkling, the Captain finally went aft and he ended up soldering the final pin as we had to completely take apart and reassemble the entire breaker. Just a quick down and up...

- EM2/SS Kyle Mayket, USS Charlotte SSN766 00-02

A newly reported RC Div'er ET3 Kevin Christopher was doing his XO check in:

XO: So petty officer Christopher, do you drink much?
Christopher: I've been known to throw back a few every now and then
XO: So how old are you?
Christopher: 19...

- EM2/SS Kyle Mayket, USS Charlotte SSN766 00-02

One day during local ops an officer (LT Homer Ring) was standing a proficientcy as EOOW, standing TH i had nothing to do with what happened. It turns out that Homer was really tired,and just laid his head down for a second on the desk and fell asleep. The EO (EM1 James Ballard) noticed he was sleeping first and suggested we pull a prank on him. The RO (i forget his name) decided to do something we never thought he would do. He pulled out his diggit tool and took off the shim switch,put it on the EOOW desk right in front of homer,counted to three and both he and Ballard screamed. needless to say Homer never fell asleep on watch again. EM2/SS Kyle Mayket USS Charlotte SSN766 00-02

Her Majestey's Submarine Turpin was berthed stern to the jetty in Taranto harbour (English spelling), Italy. A Forendy (torpedoman to you) fell over the side of the for'ard casing and into the filthy harbour water.

Just as he surfaced, a two ringer (Lieutenant) came on deck, spotted the swimmer and shouted 'What are you doin?' The reply came 'Swimming sir'. The officer ordered the swimmer to 'Stop it immediately'! He replied 'Aye, aye sir ', saluted and disappeared beneath the surface once again. Later that day he was put on the Jimmies (Exec Officer) report for insolence.

In the days when both our Navies had more ships than admirals, some cheeky US mariners used to say to we Royal sailors 'What's it like to be in the second biggest navy in the world'? To which we would reply 'What's it like being in the second best'? At that point we usually bought each other a beer and both did a bit more leg pulling. 

- Michael Edwards,ex diesel boatman (all six of them), proud to have served in Her Majesty's Royal Navy.

Gudgeon was in Yokosuka in 61. Alot of the troops had bought cases of booze to bring back to Pearl. The idea was to load the two stern tubes with the contraban loot. Well, the COB, Chief Burns got wind of the smuggling operation and decided to teach all miscreant sailors a lesson. He had absolutely no sense of humor. Anyway he told the ATR to fire the after tubes when leaving port. Unfortunately he hadn't checked to see what else was in the tubes and managed to shot the ships motion picture projector into the Pacific along with the booze.

The crew lamented the loss of the booze but got a good laugh about the projector overboard drill to the embarrassment of the COB.

- RC