I had just learned how to water ski a few days before behind a boat driver that admittedly said he hadn't towed skiers in a quite few years and may have forgotten some things about towing, like how fast you're supposed to go...or not go. Thank God his boat would only do about 45 knots. 

Yea, you know where this is going. There were 5 of us this day taking turns water skiing around Charleston South Carolina. Earl, "The Ol' Man", (because he was older than us and it was his boat) was driving the boat, our friend Rick, his girlfriend Bonnie and my girlfriend Billie (I guess her folks didn't know how to identify she was a female.) and of course, me. 

As I said, we were taking turns skiing up and down the Cooper River, around the Charleston Battery and up the Ashley River to the vicinity of the Charleston Yacht Club and back down the Ashley and up the Cooper again. Each of us taking a turn at the circuit.

If anyone has ever been in the fresh and brackish waters north of Charleston, SC you know they are loaded with Water Moccasins - especially when you get up by the Weapons Station.  The water on the river was as smooth as a mill pond. I was on the skis and I had been towed upstream of the sub-tender that had one 'Boomer' nursing alongside and we continued on up past the Weapons Station property. 

Just before the river narrows, Earl turned us around and we were heading down stream. After a couple of days of skiing, I was feeling pretty confident and had been doing come "cut outs" (lean hard on one foot and you'll cut out way off to the side of the tow boat and throw a huge rooster tail spray of water.) and doing some jumping over the boats wake. We were nearing the tender and a few guys were topside watching us. 

I was showing off jumping the boat wake and doing some nice cut outs and throwing some really big rooster tails at about 50 miles per hour when I took a spill. At 50 mph that goddamn water is hard, real hard. When you hit it you bounce like skipping a rock. Well during one of the jumps, one ski came off. I lost my balance and fell down backwards, landed on my ass and bounced back up. As soon as my foot minus the ski hit the water I went forward and was about to hit the water with my face. Out of self preservation like they teach in high school football, I tucked in like a ball and bounced again. 

Now, spinning totally out of control, the next time I came down I had legs and arms flying in all different directions and I landed on my ass as spread eagle as a hooker on a hard on. I was wearing nothing but cutoff denim shorts that at the moment I didn't realize the first backward impact with the water at 50 mph had shredded to pieces. All knew was when I finally came to a stop, I was treading water in snake infested waters, I've got cramps in my intestines so bad I felt like I washaving a baby. I figured I must have hurt myself on one of those bounces.

Earl was swinging the boat around as fast as he could. He retrieved the missing ski and brought it and the boat along side me threw me the ski and then kept going so as the rope was right next to me, there was about 20 yards of it. When it came along, I grabbed the tow rope handle. Earl was watching me, Rick and Bonnie and my girlfriend are looking at me. NO ONE IS LOOKING WHERE THE FUCK HE'S GOING... BUT ME!!! He headed right for the sub and were only about 100 yards off of it. All anyone is worried about is getting me up on my skis and away from those snakes. So as soon as he saw I had grabbed the tow handle and had my ski tips up indicating I was ready to go, Earl slammed down the throttle. Oh yea, we also were using Nylon Rope.

Let me digress here for a minute if you've never water skied before. You're supposed to use any rope but nylon. Nylon stretches. Actually it stretches like a son-of-a bitch. Then it suddenly retracts. Exactly like a rubber band. Well, that's what happened. Earl slammed the throttle down and the boat took off. I'm just floating there with my skis pointing at the sky out in front of me and the rope is getting tighter and tighter and tighter. I'm starting to move a little bit, trying to keep the ski tip up and in front of me and suddenly I'm slingshot up out of the water and headed right at the sub. As soon as Earl saw I was up, he took a look and saw that he was headed for the sub and slammed the helm over hard left. He missed the sub with about 10 yards to spare and like a model airplane on the end of a string here I come on the end of a 20 yard rope. 

My shorts are completely shredded off me except for the waist band and flapping behind me like a faded blue flag. I don't wear skivvies so I'm naked as a jay bird, my balls are a flapping in the wind and I realize that the  cramps I was feeling was from the 40 gallons of river water that got packed up my ass from that 50 mile and hour enema I got on the last spread eagle bounce I took. 

So now I'm up on my skis trying to do a cutout to the left so I don't hit the sub. I got shit spraying out of my ass like an out of control fire hose making me look like I'm being pushed by a shit rocket. Not to mention I was told there was a lot of screaming going on from me. 

Well needless to say I was completely out of control as I came skimming by and barely missing that sub and spraying shit all over them poor boys topside. Needless to say, they were not too happy with me shitting all over them and their boat. I managed to get away without hitting the Sub and I'm skiing along. 

Earl, Rick, Bonnie and Billie are still laughing their asses off, drinking beer, watching me ski along butt naked except for the shredded jeans flapping behind me. Earl won't stop the boat since first that would stop their fun watching me, also, they would then have to share the beer with me but mostly we're still in the snake infested waters of the Cooper River. 

Thank God the water was calm and not tiring my legs out. Soon enough we get down by the Main Navy Base, first we pass the Ship Yard then the Sub and Destroyer piers. Of course the telephone is quicker than Earl's boat and the word got down to the Main Base about a naked sailor skiing down the Cooper. This was as good a reason as any to form welcoming party's of Waves and Sailors on the end of each and every pier to take pictures and cheer me on as we went down river. Of course Earl has to drive as close to the piers as possible so everyone can get a real good look. 

Once past the Piers and down past base housing we went under the Cooper River Bridge. Once you're under the bridge the water is Salty and you are entering Charlestown Harbor. The water is usually choppy but even more so on an incoming tide where the Ashley River and the Cooper Rivers are trying to flow out which was the case today. Earl slowed the boat some as they were getting bounce around pretty good but still going fast enough so I could keep skiing. I was yelling at Earl to stop and let me in the boat but he wouldn't and I couldn't figure out why. There weren't any snakes down this far, the water is too salty. 

Well as we rounded the mouth of the river I realized he was going to take me skiing naked as a Jay Bird right past Battery Park with all the people enjoying the water front on a warm sunny Sunday. Many of them watching the commercial shipping, and the porpoises, and the sea birds all with binoculars. 

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